


Horny Nights

by alectheta



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 07:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7565932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alectheta/pseuds/alectheta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mulder and Scully get drawn back into their investigation routine and their routine banter when something - or someone - appears in their house and only one of them can see it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horny Nights

**Author's Note:**

  * For [norvegianwood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/norvegianwood/gifts).



> For norvegianwood, who gave me four prompts to choose from. This insatiable little story ate them all.
> 
> Despite the suggestive title, there's no smut in this story, but a lot of Mulder-Scully banter.

"Mulder, are those yours?"

 

"What, Scully?"

 

"You know what I'm talking about."

 

"No, actually, I don't, because, and you as a well-respected scientist should know that, I can't see what you're looking at over in the living room while I'm here in the bathroom."

 

"You're not in the bathroom anymore."

 

"Not anymore, no, because you wouldn't tell me what you were talking about, so I had to come look, didn't I? But you're... not looking at anything."

 

"Yes, Mulder, I am, and I know that you know it."

 

"I have no idea what you're going on about."

 

"Mulder."

 

"Scully."

 

"Don't 'Scully' me. Get those things off the couch and... out of the house."

 

"Which things?"

 

"Those things!"

 

"But there's nothing here!"

 

"I don't know where you got them, and I'm sure I don't want to know, but I'm not going to spend the evening with pink glittery horns poking me in my behind while I'm watching TV."

 

"Pink glittery horns? Scully, I admit that some of the theories I subjected you to must have seemed outlandish to you back when we started out, but you choose now of all times to tease me about them? It took you more than twenty years to come up with pink glittery horns, of all things? After everything you've seen? And by the way, I don't see any pink glittery horns anywhere."

 

"You don't?"

 

"No, I don't."

 

"Sure, Mulder."

 

"I'm not sure about many things in my life right now, Scully, but I'm sure about this. No horns."

 

"You are absolutely, positively sure about that?"

 

"Absolutely."

 

"Positively?"

 

"Absolutely, positively sure. You might want to get one of your colleagues to take a look at your eyes."

 

"If only my eyes were the problem here."

 

"Scully, what are you doing?"

 

"Flushing. What does it sound like?"

 

"Did you just flush invisible, pink, glittery horns down the toilet?"

 

"No."

 

"You did, didn't you?"

 

"I can't if they never existed, can I?"

 

"They spooked you, and you flushed them down the toilet!"

 

"They didn't spook me."

 

"Ah, you're admitting that they exist!"

 

"I'm not admitting anything."

 

"Too late, Scully. What are you slamming the door in my face for?"

 

"Need to pee."

 

"Right."

 

"Go away."

 

"All right. I'll settle down in front of the TV with the rest of the chocolate. Ouch! What did you do that for?"

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to hit you with the door. Mulder, are you ok?"

 

"Yeah, just a bit dizzy."

 

"Let's sit down."

 

"Be careful. You don't want to sit on a pink glittery horn. I've been told they sting."

 

"Shut up."

 

"You forgot to flush the toilet."

 

"Shut up!"

 

*****

 

"Ouch!"

 

"Mulder, what are you doing?"

 

""Trying to get... the... uh..."

 

"Mulder?"

 

"Uhng..."

 

"Mulder?"

 

"Dammit! What, Scully?"

 

"Trying to get what?"

 

"The horns out of the pipe, of course! I almost had one of them, I think."

 

"You think?"

 

"I'm pretty sure."

 

"Could've been something else."

 

"Eww."

 

"Exactly."

 

"How about you stick your hand down that pipe and tell me what it is that I felt?"

 

"No way, Mulder. What are you even doing this for?"

 

"They might clog this all up, so it's better to try to get them out before they cause any trouble."

 

"You know as well as I do that we both went to the bathroom during halftime and nothing happened. No flood, no weird things crawling out of there... nothing."

 

"I never said horns could crawl."

 

"Well, no, but isn't that your theory, that some being lost a pink glittery horn? Or two? And that that being must be somewhere around here?"

 

"Yes, it is. How do you know that?"

 

"How could I not know that? By the way, you're dripping toilet water all over the bathroom floor. Get that cleaned up, I'll go back to watching the game."

 

"Go ahead, I'll be with you in a moment."

 

"What are you going to do?"

 

"Oh, nothing. Just give me a minute."

 

"You're not going to do something stupid, are you?"

 

"Would you please go back to the living room, I can't wipe this up as long as you're standing there. And don't look at me like that. Yes, I'm going to clean this mess up."

 

"All right, all right."

 

*****

 

"Mulder, is that you down there?"

 

"Scully? Did you see it?"

 

"I can't see anything except for my own reflection in the water in the toilet bowl. It's like being pregnant all over again."

 

"Are you?"

 

"No."

 

"You sound like you're close to where I am."

 

"Where are you?"

 

"I went down the manhole in the driveway. And I think it just ran away from me."

 

"What did?”

 

"Scully, how many types of creatures do you know that might possibly have pink glittery horns?"

 

"You tell me?"

 

"One? And yes, I've heard that huff down here."

 

"Did you? Because this sounds like one of those garden hose telephones I used make with my brothers, and they never understood a word of what I said."

 

"They... brothers... didn't want..."

 

"What? I can't hear you anymore! And is that a horse down there with you? I hear a patter like hooves on concrete. Mulder?"

 

"It got away. I think you scared it with your voice. You sound funny, all hollow and gravelly."

 

"What got away from you? A rat?"

 

"Do rats have pink glittery horns?"

 

"No, but neither does any other animal that I know of!"

 

"That's not correct."

 

"I said animal. Not paranormal creature that only a certain former FBI agent can see."

 

"You saw its horn on the sofa. I didn't."

 

"And you saw something running away from you."

 

"I'll never get a chance to see anything if you keep talking."

 

*****

 

"Scully? Scully, are you there?"

 

"I'm right here."

 

"What... take that torch down, you're blinding me. What are you doing down here?"

 

"I'd like to have a good and well-lit look at this... creature. If it even exists."

 

"Scully... horns. I'm not going to say more than that."

 

"Mulder: a creature with hooves. In a sewer. I don't think I need to say more either."

 

"If that's cleared up now, let's go."

 

"Which direction?"

 

"That one."

 

"Away from the house?"

 

"That's where I think it went."

 

"If you say so."

 

*****

 

"I think we're trapped here."

"How? I mean, there's nobody around here but us. No one else has a key to that gate, so how could anyone have managed to come here and cover the manhole?"

 

"Maybe 'it' can jump over fences?"

 

"Are we back to the unicorn theory?"

 

"I never abandoned it. And you've known what I've been talking about all along! Ha, I knew it!"

 

"Knowing what your wild theories are isn't the same as believing in them myself."

 

"Go on then, make my heart leap. Give me a different explanation. Pink glittery horns that only you can see and the patter of hooves in a sewer. What does that tell you?"

 

"That I should have stayed in the warm, dry house to watch the rest of the game instead of coming down here."

 

"Come on, you're enjoying this. I can see it."

 

"So are you."

 

"I forgot how much I miss this."

 

"And I forgot that there's another manhole in the barn."

 

"So?"

 

"It's only covered with a wooden plank. We never got around to covering it properly."

 

"Scully, you're a genius. Let's get out of here."

 

*****

 

"Do you think it's still down there?"

 

"The unicorn? I don't think so. It ran away from me, and when you were there with me I didn't hear it again."

 

"I guess it doesn't like me then. First my voice sent it running and later, when I joined you, it vanished."

 

"So you're believing me when I say it was there?"

 

"I never said that. On the contrary, maybe there was never anything there in the first place."

 

"Scully, you found the horns. Did you forget that already?"

 

"I'm trying to."

 

"I thought you'd be a bit more open-minded by now."

 

"I might be, if this weren't my only day off this week. Mulder, I get that you're bored, and I admit that these chases are fun, but I'm tired and I want to wind down a bit. I have to get up at four am to get to my shift on time."

 

"Ok. I guess you're right. Let's watch the rest of the game."

 

"Really? You're ok with that?"

 

"Yeah, it's gone anyway. Come on, sit down."

 

"Have you checked if the sofa is unicorn-horn-free?"

 

"You tell me, you're the one who can see them."

 

*****

 

"Mulder, what are you blowing in my face for?"

 

"Sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you up. Before you get angry, it was lost and started to follow me. I just couldn't leave it in the street in this weather."

 

"Tell me I'm dreaming."

 

"Maybe you are."

 

"Mulder, this isn't funny. Pinch me, please."

 

"I can't. It doesn't want me to touch you."

 

"So you see it too?"

 

"I never said that."

 

"Then how do you know what it wants?"

 

"There's a giant puddle on the floor with more water dripping into it as we speak, seemingly from nowhere, but not from nowhere, but from the unicorn's mane, I assume. And because I can't get past it. It's like there's... something solid there that I can't walk through."

 

"You're making this up."

 

"I'm not. You try getting up and walking towards me."

 

"I can't, because there's a... a... something standing right in front of me! How did you even know it was following you into the house if you can't even see it? And how did you figure out that it came into the living room with you?"

 

"I can hear it neighing. I think it was looking for you."

 

"I think it wasn't."

 

"Then why would it come so close to us that we'd notice it? Well, sort of notice it, in my case?"

 

"The horns."

 

"What?"

 

"It doesn't have a horn anymore. In fact, it's bleeding where the horn should be."

 

"Right, you can see it. I almost forgot about that, since I can’t."

 

"I think it came back looking for its horn."

 

"Which you flushed down the toilet."

 

"There's nothing I can do about that now. But I can dress the wound. Could you please get me my medical supplies from the car?"

 

"I'll be right back."

 

*****

 

"Are you ok, Scully?"

 

"I can't sleep."

 

"What's bothering you?"

 

"I'm not sure. I feel like I should go and check on something, but I don't know what or why. It's silly and I need to get up very early, so I'll try to get some rest, no matter whether I manage to fall asleep soon or not."

 

"Maybe you shouldn't ignore your gut feeling."

 

"I know you wouldn't. You'd be out there in a heartbeat. Mulder, what are you doing?"

 

"I'll go and check for you. Tell me where?"

 

"I don't know!"

 

"Then I'll go back to the living room, since that's where it all started."

 

"Mulder, wait! I'll come with you."

 

*****

 

"This is odd."

 

"What is?"

 

"The puddle. It's gone."

 

"I mopped it up."

 

"Scully, I know that, I saw you do it, but some of the water got absorbed by the rug, and now the rug is dry."

 

"It might have dried by now."

 

"You know how much water that rag rug soaks up when it's being washed. It takes ages for it to dry completely. And it's bone dry."

 

"What are you saying?"

 

"This is a classic case of time travel, Scully."

 

"You have too much time, Mulder. I think you've read too many weird books."

 

"But Scully, consider the facts: The floor? Dry. The rug? Dry as Arizona in August. The horns... the horns, Scully! Are they still on the sofa?"

 

"How could they 'still' be on the sofa? I flushed them down the toilet hours ago!"

 

"But if this is time travel, then did you do it already?"

 

"My head is spinning. I think I should lie back down again."

 

"Please, Scully. Have a look at the sofa?"

 

"The horns are..."

 

"Not going to be there. I get it. Can you take a look in spite of your beliefs and tell me what you're seeing?"

 

"They're here. On the sofa. Both of them."

 

"But we only ever saw one unicorn. Heard. Felt its presence. Me, at least. Whatever! There was only the one, so what's the second horn doing there?"

 

"There were always two, and the second one is much smaller. I think it's from the other... creature's... offspring."

 

"What are you going to do now?"

 

"Why?"

 

"Remember how I told you about your namesake after I read about him in one of the 'weird books'? The physicist? Marlan Scully?"

 

"I do, but what does he have to do with this?"

 

"One of his theories could help explain this. This might be a delayed choice."

 

"A what?"

 

"Scully, what did you think when you saw that the unicorn was bleeding?"

 

"You mean the animal that was probably an East African oryx?"

 

"An invisible antilope? Really, Scully?"

 

"A unicorn? Really, Mulder?"

 

"Anyway, which thoughts crossed your mind when you saw its wound?"

 

"That I should take care of it."

 

"But there was more."

 

"No, Mulder, there wasn't. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's that, and I'm tired, and I'm going back to bed."

 

"Wait. Maybe I should have explained what a delayed choice is. You make a choice - now, in the present - and it alters a choice in the past."

 

"That's ridiculous."

 

"It's physics, Scully. And it might explain what's happening here."

 

"I can explain perfectly well what's happening to me right now. I'm getting more and more tired, and I only have five hours of sleep left, and only if I go to bed right now.. Good night, Mulder."

 

*****

 

"Mulder?"

 

"Mhm?"

 

"Are you still awake?"

 

"Yes. I can't stop asking myself why you had that feeling you should go and do something."

 

"Neither can I. But I might have an answer now."

 

"Which would be?"

 

"When I saw the bleeding wound, I regretted that I'd flushed the horns down the toilet. If your theory is correct, I should not flush them away this time."

 

"That's what I figured too."

 

"I think I'll check if they're still there."

 

"They're on the sofa, just where we left them."

 

"What are you going to do with them?"

"Nothing. Quite literally. I won’t flush the horns down the toilet, and I won’t lock the porch door. Good night, Mulder."

 

"I think you’re doing the right things. Not doing. Whatever. Good night to you too, Scully."

 

*****

 

"Mulder, where are you?"

 

"I'm in the living room."

 

"Why? What woke you up?"

 

"I'm not sure, maybe that I was thirsty. There's a wet trail from the entryway to the sofa. I got up to get a glass of water, and I almost slipped on it."

 

"What about the horns? Are they still there?"

 

"How many times do I need to tell you that I can’t see them?"

 

"Oh, right. Well… it seems they're gone."

 

"Which means you made the right choice."

 

"I hope so."

 

"Let's go back to bed. Sleep tight."

 

"Don't let the unicorns bite?"

 

"Precisely."

 

"Good night, Mulder."

 

"Good night, Scully."


End file.
